im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
