I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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