why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
