I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
