I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
