help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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