ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just threw up on my dentist
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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