Quick, to the slutcave!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
