he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
