Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
