Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
