He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
