dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
