I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
