I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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