You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
