I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
