Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
