There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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