Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
