i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
