apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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