for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
