It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
