i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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