If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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