You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
