I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
