Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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