if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
