Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
