whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
