my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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