By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
