Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
