Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
