what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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