the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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