I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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