Farmville is her only friend.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
