Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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