I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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