Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I could make wine with my vomit
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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