wake up i wanna do it froggy style
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
