I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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