C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
