Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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