i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
