I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
