I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
